Visiting Tantrum City: 8 Tools to Navigate Your Child's Emotional Map
Welcome to Tantrum City.
It’s not the destination; more like a detour because you ran out of gas. Also, the air conditioner’s broken. And there are no working bathrooms at the gas station.
It's a place where we can all feel a little lost. Consider this post your emergency roadside assistance.
Big feelings are one of the toughest parts of parenthood—both for parents and kids! As an SLP, I know firsthand that emotional regulation and language are deeply connected. While we can work on controlling our own behaviors and reactions as adults, children need lots of support to navigate their emotions. To guide our little ones (or even big ones!) through these tricky situations, we need to meet them where they're at. Are they able to identify what emotion they're feeling and connect it to different sensations in their body? Are they in fight or flight mode and need to get back to their more rational brain? Do they have a hard time finding the words to express themselves in a productive way? Figuring out what is trickiest for them will give you a lot of information on how to support them. Here are some of my favorite tools for supporting emotional regulation across all different stages.
Introducing the Language of Feelings
Although emotions are a basic human function, surprisingly, they are not intuitive for everyone. While most children (and even adults) know the difference between a "big" and "small" feeling, sometimes they need support to identify what the emotion actually is and how it feels in their body.
A Little SPOT of Emotion by Diane Alber was gifted to our son when he was born, and he still talks about it today. It goes through one-by-one identifying different clues for identifying emotions, but it also includes the feeling "scribbled up" when our feelings are more mixed, which is my son’s favorite. It's a great way to introduce nuance to emotions and that we can feel more than one feeling at once. It also comes with adorable plush spots that my kids still like to play with, as well as a big poster of emotions that you can put up on the wall.
2. My Body Sends a Signal by Natalia Maguire is a wonderful kids’ book about how feelings actually show up in a child's physical body, what emotion they connect with, and some strategies to help calm them down. I bought this for my own child, and I love how specific it is. Bringing attention to what their face and body are doing (especially when they aren't doing it on purpose—such as cheeks getting hot or having trembling hands) is incredibly important in helping them realize what they're feeling, and later, how they can get help.
Getting a Deeper Understanding of Your Child's Behaviors
3. The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel has been incredibly helpful, both for myself as a parent and as an SLP. He truly helps you get inside of your child's head, particularly when they're in the heat of a tantrum. By understanding his ideas of the "upstairs brain" and "downstairs brain," you can start to empathize and strategize based on what you are actually seeing from your child. The Whole Brain Child is an amazing starting point.
Understanding Your Child's Feelings Through Play & Scaffolding
The best time to talk about feelings is rarely in the middle of a tantrum. These tools are perfect for when everyone is calm, allowing you to give your child the words and concepts they need before they get overwhelmed. They help you "scaffold" the language of emotions, preparing them for those big moments.
4. Emotions Pillow: This is a simple but effective way to always have access to a feelings vocabulary. You can keep it on the couch or in a quiet corner. When your child is feeling big emotions, you can simply pull it onto their lap and help them identify which face looks like how they feel. This can also be a great tool to use when they aren't upset, to just get used to the idea of labeling emotions in a tangible way.
5. Felt Faces: This is a great tool for kids who need to externalize what they are feeling. They allow you and your child to play around with different facial expressions in a no-pressure environment. By building a face with a specific emotion, they can practice a simple, non-verbal way to express themselves. This kind of play, when everyone is calm, is the perfect way to help your child internalize these concepts for when they need to use them later.
6. See My Feelings Mirror: This is a fantastic resource for children who need help observing what their face is doing. A lot of kids don't realize how their emotions are showing up physically. This mirror allows them to see an example of a specific emotion, and then look at their own reflection. This is a powerful step in helping them connect their internal feelings with their external expressions. It also gives you an opportunity to honor their unique emotional expression. If their "scared" face has a smile, you can say, "That person has a frown, but you smile when you're nervous." This shows them that all their feelings are valid.
Taking the Sensory Back Roads
Sometimes, our bodies need to move to help our brains get regulated. These tools are perfect for when your child is in a "fight or flight" state and needs to release some of that big-feeling energy productively.
7. Emotions Bean Bags: These are a great way to talk about feelings and get some energy out at the same time. While they are a good tool for simply labeling emotions, my favorite way to use them is as a safe way to release energy when a child is upset. You can have your child stack them up and then knock them down, squish them with their hands, or even throw them in a safe environment. This provides a sensory outlet that can help them regulate their nervous system and get back to a calmer state.
8. Bubble Timer: This is a quiet, calming tool that can be a game-changer when a child is upset. When your child is on the verge of a meltdown, these are more effective than a traditional timer because they give your child something concrete to focus on. Simply flip the timer and watch the bubbles slowly descend. This provides a visual cue for a "pause" and gives their brain a chance to get a little bit more in control before you continue to talk or problem-solve.
Final Thoughts
Big feelings and tantrums are part of life, but with the right tools, they don't have to be so overwhelming. By helping your child learn to identify, understand, and communicate their emotions, you can transform moments of frustration into opportunities for growth and connection.
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